Christmas is such a wonderful, blessed time of year. The simple act of walking to my mailbox and back brings me joy because I see everything covered in white. Being raised in Texas, I still love the snow and don’t know that I will ever, ever tire of seeing it. I hear about numerous examples of others helping each other shovel sidewalks and driveways as our little town is hit with snowstorm after snowstorm. We have given that service and had it given to us. At night I see Christmas lights on houses up and down our street and Christmas trees glowing through windows. It makes me feel like everyone is remembering our Savior, and that gives me such a deep sense of peace. I feel like we really are all brothers and sisters when our community becomes so unified in this truly holy, sacred season.

My daughter Erin and I both love to just sit and watch our Christmas tree with all the lights turned off. Only the Christmas tree lights stay on. I remember doing this for long periods of time from the time I was only a very small girl, after everyone had gone to bed. I think a lot of what I loved about it was how quiet it was. With seven brothers and sisters, my house growing up was always a madhouse. Loud and crazy. My house now with my own children is no different. I love it that my daughter and I share this activity together. I think we both love and crave the peace.

My sweet little Erin and Zach are spending this Christmas with their ‘other dad.’ They left Friday afternoon after school and we won’t see them again until the day after Christmas. When they were little, it broke my heart to watch them go, but kids are resilient and they were always pretty happy and excited about it. Now that they are getting a little older, it seems like they have a more difficult time with it. Part of me wishes I had some personal stash of knowledge and experience to draw on here to help them… but I don’t. I sympathize and I try to listen and I pray hard for guidance. But the truth is, I have no idea what it’s like to have to grow up this way, to have to travel back and forth between different houses, to live with different parents who have very different rules, to attend different classes at church, interact with different siblings and grandparents, have different bedrooms and clothes, just completely different lives. Erin sometimes tells me she wakes up in one house and has to just lay there trying to remember where she is. Zach has expressed often that it’s hard to leave your family – he has said it coming back home to us and leaving us. He asks every Friday if he is going to his other dad’s house that weekend. I can tell that his disappointment when he has to leave comes not from something he doesn’t like at his other dad’s house. It’s because he hates to have to pick up and leave everything – to have to change plans he has made in his head for the weekend. It’s not fair that they are put through is. They are so young and they have no say in any of it. I hate it.

Yesterday after school, I picked up the kids and we drove around town so Erin could deliver her Christmas gifts. She loves doing this every year. This year, she walked down to the dollar store with all of her savings. She bought gifts for all her friends, all her brothers, and all 4 of her parents. She then took all the gifts down to her room and wrapped and labeled them all by herself. The least I could do was drive her around so she could deliver them before she had to leave for Christmas. At the second house, she came running back super excited, telling me about how they had said they were just about to call her and ask if she wanted to come over and go sledding down this big mountain of snow in the front yard. As she was telling me, the sad expression on my face made her remember she was going to her other dad’s house that day. She wasn’t going to have time to come and play. She stopped mid-sentence and looked down and I saw a tear fall. It still breaks my heart now just to tell this story. I rubbed her arm and hugged her and told her how sorry I was and how I knew it was so hard. I told her how much I wished I could fix this for her, and how much I loved her.

Then I bit back my own tears, because my sadness and frustration will not help her at all. She needs my help and support to be able to get through this and find the positive in it. I started to talk about whose house we were going to next and when she told me, I started to share a funny memory about this friend. She was soon smiling and laughing with me and running up to the next house. Every time she delivered a gift, she came back to the car, grinning from ear to ear. It’s what I love about Christmas. Giving. Putting others before yourself and seeing the joy in their eyes. I loved watching her.

As we were finishing up, she said, “You know, mom, a lot of kids tell me how lucky I am because I get two birthdays and two Christmases and so many extra presents. But what they don’t realize is all the things I have to miss out on.” And she’s right. But then we get home and she and Zach get ready and put their happy faces on when their ‘other mom’ arrives and give me big hugs that are just a little extra long. I see in their faces how much they wish they didn’t have to go and it makes me hurt inside. But then we smile at each other and I remind them I will see them soon. Scott reminds them “to not have too much fun.” It always makes them laugh as they promise they will have way too much fun. They are so sweet.

The Savior loves my little ones even more than I do. He loves me more than I understand. I know it hurts Him every time one of His children is sad or is struggling through a hard situation. I know it hurts Him, but I also know there is a purpose to this life. I know He was born and lived and died for ME. And for every one of my little babies. He did this so we could be like Him, so we could live with Him and find the fullest and truest happiness there. I know that He has a plan and a purpose for Erin and Zach – that although they have to go through this, there is a reason. They are learning something important that I know will bless their lives and the lives of those around them. I don’t want to take that away from them. I have to trust my Savior loves them and knows that although their situation is hard, they can handle it. He knows they can. And He loves them and hugs them for me when I can’t be there.

I am so grateful for this wonderful season to remind me of the miracle of Christ’s birth. I am so grateful for all He did for me. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband who has so much patience and love for me and whom I love so much. I am grateful for each and every one of my children. What a blessing it is to be a mother and to learn to love as God loves, to see God’s love for me in each of my children’s eyes. I am truly blessed. Merry Christmas!!