I had a doctor's appointment today. I weighed the incredible weight of 175 lbs. Why do they allow pregnant women to see their weight gain? It's just depressing. I have the biggest weight gain still to come over the next four months. I will be over 200 lbs before it's all over. Depressing.

We also found out some other important news at the doctor's office today. We're having a boy! This will give us 5 boys and 1 girl. Although I am now starting to adjust to this news, I have to admit even several hours after the news I was still breaking off and on into tears. I can't remember if I blogged about this or not, but soon after my youngest boy Russell was born, I was thinking about whether or not to have more children. I had a very spiritual experience when the Spirit bore witness to me that I was not done and was supposed to have another baby.

It is true I did not have any confirmation or assurance I would have a girl, but there was this part of me deep inside that felt like I must be having a girl. We had four boys already and I felt for some reason we were supposed to have another baby. It must be a girl. That must be the reason. I just knew it. I already had plenty of boys, so why would I need to have another boy? IT MUST BE A GIRL. As time went on and I became pregnant, I have to say I felt more and more assured I would be having a girl. Scott tried to bring me down and give me occasional reality checks, reminding me how we didn't know what we were having and I was only setting myself up for disappointment. I tried. I sincerely did. But deep down, I just knew we had to be having a girl.

Today at my ultrasound, the technician asked if we wanted to know the gender. We assured her we did! For those of you who have had an ultrasound like this, they always check everything before they look at the gender. They look at the heart a milllion different ways, they look at the spine, and the brain, and the femur, and the feet, and the hands, and the kidneys, and take tons of measurements... You basically just tell yourself to sit back and be patient. Then they usually give you some kind of hint that they are about to look for the baby's gender. Our technician was in the middle of all of this, looking at all these different views of the spine. Then she blurts out, "Oh! Look at that! He's flashing us! It's definitely a boy." I felt like someone had slapped me in the face. Out of the blue. For no reason. I wasn't mentally ready for that declaration. I had known it was going to be a girl. And then randomly in the middle of looking at the spine, everything changed. It still feels a little surreal.

I couldn't hold the tears back, but at least I didn't sob there in the office. I waited until Scott and I were on our way home. :) My poor Scott. I know it must be frustrating to remind someone over and over again to not get their hopes up so high - only to have them do it anyway and then watch them crash with disappointment. I kept thinking, "Am I just not good at raising girls?" and "How could my feelings have been so wrong?" and continued to doubt myself and how much I have clearly not been in tune with the Spirit. Scott has been very patient with me today though, telling me over and over again what a good mother I am and reminding me that our lives are far from over. There are reasons for everything and we are not supposed to know all of God's reasons today for everything that happens. In fact, we cannot. It comes down to faith. Faith that even though the path I thought was in store for us turned out to be wrong, Heavenly Father knows the path we are supposed to take. And it is better than the one I would choose for myself. Better not just for me, but for everyone around me.

I go to bed tonight excited to meet this little boy that will be joining our family. He must be a pretty special little guy. I know that he will be exactly what our family needs, and we will all love him dearly. I am blessed to have so many little boys. And I continue to be blessed by my little Erin, whom I love so much and who is already one of my very best friends.